Megume and the Trees was first published three years ago today. Thank you to everyone who has read and supported my novel!
Sarah Toshiko Hasu
Megume and the Trees was first published three years ago today. Thank you to everyone who has read and supported my novel!
Sarah Toshiko Hasu
Your Name Means Ensnaring (Or, Gone As You Are)
For Rebecca Blumenfeld-Jones, who told me once that somebody might need to hear my writing – is that somebody ever you?
To the victor go the spoils,
and remaining can be victory
over the absence of another.
Your truth is a dissipated thing,
gone as you are. And we who remain
are left to guess, and worry, and wonder.
Are you truly gone from us,
and by choice? And in what sense?
Gone as you are, to places unknown —
Do you breathe there? (Do you still breathe?)
Do you stare at the night sky sometimes,
in wonderment? I do, and I wonder
after you. Gone as you are,
but your memory remains.
A vivid thing — you, reaching for
a certain ceiling fan switch. You,
the vision of which is indescribable.
Those eyes, a smile, the smattering
of freckles — a certain look about you.
How can one condense into words
what it is about you that makes us
light up, that made us jealous for
your attentions? You hated that,
attention. But your very absence
calls it to you, gone as you are.
If anyone could define you,
describe you, ascertain about you,
should it not be me? Was I
supposed to know you best?
(I can feel the wonder in others.)
But a neat label for you fails —
me and you. This writer cannot do it.
To suggest you here in ill-defined
phrases feels like love — but
would not love for you be silence?
Or would silence be your end?
Gone as you are, who can tell?
And if not me, then some other,
some other writing the history
of you that rings false to you
and me. I am not the victor here,
for how can a victor know loss?
But how can I let any other tell
your story for you?
There were three books,
I shall begin there. Mine,
Wuthering Heights and The Roof
at the Bottom of the World.
(See there? You’ve made me drop
an Oxford comma. What is love,
if not that?)
Which way would you go?
As though we’ve given you a map,
or a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure
novel. It’s a novel thing, a spoil
indeed, to presume so much power
over another’s choices. It was
Christmas Eve –but that’s not when
you left. Did you plan it, I wonder
constantly. Did you mean to
give me one last happy memory?
Family Christmas dinner and
trimming the tree. You dropped me
home, and drove off — it’s a maudlin tale,
like a child might tell of the night
daddy left. But it took you months
to leave, all unbeknownst to me —
and so how am I to tell the tale?
I called you while my grandfather
was dying, were you gone then?
You ran into someone accidentally,
gave her your number — did you never
mean to fall out of touch at all?
Have you freed yourself, are you
happy? Or dead, bound for the morgue
where we might at last see you again?
It haunts me. You haunt me, while I hope[,]
you live. Gone as you are, I may bade you
breathing. But false hope could be your
untimely end. And I hurry this poem
to its own conclusion, for, gone as you
are, there can be no end. But love,
and peace, and blessings, and all
the happiness that can be wished
friend to friend. You are a magnetic force,
gone as you are, no sense hiding
from that. You leave a hole,
but I leave a space — there will always
be a place, yours — so that you
might come back. Love and peace
and blessings and happiness,
wherever you are.
May 29th, 2014
Eureka Police Missing Persons Case # 3C13-6669
Ohayo gozaimasu from Japan! My Los Angeles reading from Megume and the Trees is just four days away (or three, if you happen to be sitting in Tokyo right now). Lambda Literary has really shaped this into what I think is going to be an amazing, fun event. First off, the West Hollywood Library is usually closed on Sundays, but they’re opening just for us. And with so many writers reading (Marshall Thornton, Mark Thompson, Jessica Faraday, Felice Picano, Shannon Cain, Christina Hutchins, Ghalib Shiraz Dhalla, Barbara Browning, Nina Revoyr, Lázaro Lima, and me, to be precise) it’s going to be our own little LGBT book festival! So if you’re anywhere in the Los Angeles area, come on out and hear selections from many of the past year’s LGBT books: May 20th, 5:00 PM, WeHo Library (click this link for the event’s official Facebook page).
There are also a couple of really lovely new reviews of Megume out, in CherryGrrl and Lesbians of North London (oh, London, I want to visit you, too…). I thought I was going to be one of those artists who doesn’t read reviews of her work, and I’m utterly terrified whenever I do an interview or know a review is coming, but I’ve found that I really appreciate the experience, and I really appreciate someone else sharing their experience of my book with the world. I might have to read it through my fingers, but I’m never disappointed to know that Megume is out there in the world and other people are interacting with her story. That’s my job: not just to write stories, but to get them to their audience. Otherwise, why bother writing them down? I don’t want to be like Emily Dickinson and die with a chest full of thousands of unread words, even though I understand how a lot of fear and a little criticism can easily make that happen. I’m a working artist, I’m definitely familiar with fear and criticism! But I think you have to do what your heart says anyway.
I was just downstairs in a Japanese convenience store and they were playing the Selena Gomez song “Who Says” – I love songs like that, especially sung by young women, who are so frequently told what they cannot do and who they cannot be. I’m not sure whether there’s ever a point in life where other people stop telling you what you cannot do and who you cannot be, so I think you just have to learn that you know best for yourself and your passion. Even though I did my best to stay away from them, there were still people who told me I shouldn’t be out as a writer, and that I shouldn’t come out until I was successful and then I shouldn’t “make a big deal of it.” And there were people who told me that starting my own publishing company would be a mistake, and that, without the seal of approval of giving away my copyright to a major publisher (literally giving it away – that’s what major deals are, no matter how glamorous they’re made to seem), Megume would be a colossal failure and I would live to regret “fucking up” my career. To which, from this point, I can only respond: readers, reviews, magazine spreads, shortlisted for a Lambda Literary Award. And we’ve only just begun! Those people weren’t giving me, my book, or the rest of the world enough credit (and they’d never read Megume, nor been asked for their opinion, so I don’t think their motives were ever well-intentioned and they certainly weren’t well-informed). It breaks my heart to hear about writers, even very successful ones, who have multiple unpublished manuscripts. Now, maybe those just genuinely weren’t there yet, and writers have to be the judge of when their work is “right” (I certainly have my chest full of thousands upon thousands of unread words, in spite of my intention to not let that be my legacy). But maybe those are very important stories that someone really needs, and they’re not getting the chance to read them because someone else deemed them unworthy. Doesn’t that just suck? (This whole paragraph started off as a little comment in parentheses – I frequently include important points as parenthetical remarks.) So thank you to Christina, Lucy, Rosanna, Elizabeth, everyone at their publications, Lambda Literary, and everybody else who has helped get Megume into the world. I am eternally grateful.
I also saw this release from the Denver Public Library (thank you, Google Alerts) that they have Megume and the Trees and many of this year’s other Lambda finalists in circulation. I believe the San Francisco Public Library has Megume, too, and school libraries have begun ordering it. Does your library have Megume and the Trees? Check it out – literally! And, if they don’t yet have Megume, I would be forever grateful to you for suggesting it as a purchase to them so that you and others in your community can find and read her story.
I’ve been tweeting from Japan: @SarahHasu (see the left side column), and I’ll try to post some photos, too.
Domo arigato gozaimasu!
Exciting news! Megume and the Trees has been named a Lambda Literary Awards (a.k.a. “Lammys”) finalist in the “Lesbian Debut Fiction” category! I am honored, and so proud of my novel! (When something goes well, the book gets all the credit – when something goes wrong, that’s on me.) You can find the complete list of finalists here. The winners will be announced at the awards ceremony in New York City on June 4th. I’m also very excited to be participating in a finalists’ reading in Los Angeles on May 20th! We’ll be at the West Hollywood Public Library at 5:00 PM, so come join me in New York or L.A., or check out another finalist reading around the U.S. or Toronto!
What I love about the Lambda Literary Awards is that the list of finalists is always a fantastic reading list, and it makes me realize that there is, actually, quite a lot of LGBT writing out there. We all have ways in which we feel different, and in which we are culturally different, from the “mainstream.” The problem is when that difference makes us feel isolated, and unrepresented by the art and depictions of others we see around us. Whether that sense of difference comes from your sexuality, gender, ethnic background, skin color, hair color, religion, political views, a feeling you feel, or any combination of, well, anything, it’s awful when you feel alone. It’s awful when you can’t find a book or film or song or anything that just makes you feel like somebody out there knows how you feel.
Believe me, I know. Someone once called me “a Swiss Army knife of diversity”: Japanese-American, gay, female, not brought up with any particular religion – which is all very good, until I just want to see myself depicted in a story I’m reading or a movie I’m watching. Then it often feels like, at best, I’m getting pieces of myself represented, but not necessarily the whole. Which is when I start writing, knowing that, if I’m feeling it, somebody else must be, too. The beautiful thing about art is that it transcends – often it’s the story that doesn’t necessarily represent us on the surface that expresses just how we’re feeling. But the surface is never really just the surface, either, now is it? Everything about ourselves that we identify ourselves with or others identify us with is tied up in a whole lifetime of assumptions, comments, and experiences – that’s why not finding pieces of ourselves represented in art and media can be so damaging; it reinforces that sense of difference, that dissonance between our personal history and the seeming history of everybody else.
When I first realized I am gay and went looking for a book that represented all of the feelings I suddenly felt, or acknowledged for the first time that I was feeling, I only knew of one book to look for: Sappho, in the Classics section. Luckily for me, I found Anne Carson’s If Not, Winter: Fragments of Sappho, which is actually a lot better than just finding Sappho. But it’s mind-boggling for me to think about now. I was a lesbian, suddenly, and the only book I knew to look for was Sappho? For those of you who need a refresher course in the history of lyric poetry, Sappho died around 570 BCE, and only one of her poems remains in tact. So I was a lesbian and, in the whole breadth and history of world literature, I only knew of one nearly two thousand and six hundred year old poem that might express how I felt?
But then, I grew up Japanese-American, so that lack of representation wasn’t new to me. I’ve wracked my adult brain trying to remember all of the representations of Japanese-Americans I was aware of as a kid. The fantastic children’s book author Katherine Paterson has a few books set in Japan, but I think The Sign of the Chrysanthemum was the only one I was familiar with in childhood (although I also loved Jacob Have I Loved, Bridge to Terabithia, and Rebels of the Heavenly Kingdom). There was Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes by Eleanor Coerr. Maira Kalman’s Sayonara, Mrs. Kackleman was, I think, the first book that took me to Japan – just before my first trip to Japan, when I was five. I read somewhere recently that Stacy from The Babysitters Club is Japanese-American; I read a few of those books, though I’d since forgotten that Stacy was Japanese (my childhood best friend’s favorite character was Stacy, mine was Dawn, who was more like my blonde best friend). And…That’s it. I had Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, Too in Japanese on VHS, from that kindergarten visit to Tokyo to spend Christmas with my grandparents. The only meaningful representation of Asian-Americans on TV I can remember was the show All-American Girl, starring Margaret Cho, Amy Hill, and Jodi Long – oddly, the sitcom is about a Korean-American family, but I remembered them as Japanese. Frequently, “Asian-American” was as close as I got to seeing someone like me. Anything Asian made me feel like I was getting closer to my own identity (All-American Girl, Rebels of the Heavenly Kingdom, another book, Shen of the Sea).
Fortunately, my bookshelves have grown beyond Sappho and a handful of Japan-related children’s books. It started with Yukio Mishima, Banana Yoshimoto, Haruki Murakami, and Lillian Faderman, Sarah Waters, Emily Dickinson (I actually started to like Emily when I found out she wasn’t quite the recluse high school English teachers make her out to be), Emma Donoghue, and Shamim Sarif. Now those same bookshelves overflow – onto my desk, the kitchen table, the entertainment center, and into my pantry and linen closet, in fact.
Maybe some emotions are harder to find adequately represented in art, which is funny, since art really is emotion expressed. I wasn’t just depressed and suicidal as a teen, I knew other teens who were depressed, suicidal, who cut themselves (something I did not do, though I shuddered in horror to see the slices on their bodies). It seemed to us that everything that broached the subject of how we were feeling took on a decidedly “after school special” melodrama – which was not how we were feeling. If there was one thing I absolutely knew I had to get across in Megume and the Trees, it was that sense of being so despairing, so aching that you feel you’re going to die. You think you want to die, and you feel like it’s not even necessarily a choice in your hands. It hurts so much that it’s going to kill you, and killing yourself is just ending that pain. I needed to get that across in my novel because I have felt that way. And I know that when you feel that way, even when you know other people who feel that way, it still seems like you’re the only ones. And that can make it easily feel like suicide is the only way out. I wanted to show that I know that pain, inside and out, and then, well, then, if you feel that way, too, I can offer you a story that hopefully you’ll think about. I can offer you the thought that there’s another way out, that there’s more to life than what you can see and feel right now, more to life than you can even know. Because there’s always more. At least, that’s what works for me.
If I’d killed myself at any point between eight and seventeen, which I often wanted to, I would never have known I’m gay. I would never have known what real attraction feels like. What a kiss feels like. What the autonomy and freedom of adulthood feels like. What taking your passport and your bag and getting on a plane to a country you know nothing about without anyone you’ve ever met before feels like. A lot of religions and spiritual practices treat desire as a bad thing. And I understand their overall concept that getting so caught up in want can lead down some very bad roads, to places like jealousy, anger, possessiveness, ruthlessness, and brutality. But I think there can be a positive side to desire, too, because, for me, wanting to not die is actually tied up in a very active wanting of life. I always want another experience. I wanted to write a novel. I did and do want recognition for that novel, in ways like the Curve interview and being shortlisted for a Lammy. But I want more, and not in a “never satisfied” way, but just in that I’m not done yet. There is always more to see and do in life. There’s always more to live. I very much like the phrase joie de vivre: joy of life. I am actively in love with living, with writing, filling my apartment with books and films that speak to me, travelling (which I always spell the British way, with two “l”‘s, just for future reference). Even on bad days; even on the worst days. Because I’m not done yet, and that is my very happy antidote to all of the years when I could never imagine making it to these years. Living, and writing Megume and the Trees, is my answer to my own need and sense that somebody needed to actually show what depression and suicide can be like before we can seriously talk about not letting it happen to us.
And, in case you can’t tell, between the published novel, the Lammy shortlist, the upcoming travels, the bookshelves that have overflowed onto every flat surface and into every closet, the next novel forming on the page for me, and the sleeping dogs beside me (can’t go the whole long post without mentioning them, can I?), I’m very happy, and very determined to keep showing us, all of us, as we are in literature and film, so that everyone can feel their cup of representation runneth over. And if nobody else seems to be showing you in art or the media, well, dear, what’s stopping you?
I have been horribly quiet here at my online home, but, fortunately, some very lovely magazines have been picking up my slack and publishing interviews with me and reviews of Megume and the Trees! Curve first posted this interview, which also appears in their just-released April issue (Yay!!). And then Echo gave me a GORGEOUS two-page spread in the February issue of their print and digital magazine (psst…page 52!), reviewing Megume for you and interviewing me. You can also find both the interview and review on Echo’s website.
A HUGE THANK YOU to Rosanna, Liz, and the editors of both mags! I love it when Megume gets attention. :)
I usually hate photos of myself, but I’m madly in love with the purple tint Echo gave me:
I’ve added a Press section to the website so you can find reviews and other Megume-related things all in one place!
Now, back to writing my next novel… :D
Hmm…The length of time between posts here may be proving why I write novels to say what I want to say. If it takes me four years to write a relatively short novel, and another year to publish it, how long should it take me to write a blog post?
I suppose I’ve skipped a step, and should have begun with an introduction. You are, well, you. And I, as I hope you’ve gathered by visiting sarahtoshikohasu.com, am Sarah Toshiko Hasu. Authoress of Megume and the Trees, publisher at Megami Press. I’d actually never heard the term “authoress” until I read an article about why it was becoming “correct” to refer to all actors as “actors,” and never specify gender by calling someone an “actress,” much the way – according to the article – we never calls authors “authoresses.” Naturally, I fell in love with authoress. Bad feminist me. But I don’t consider being referred to as female a slur, and I think the feminine phrasing of “authoress” doesn’t hold any diminishing capacity since it has never been widely used during our time. I suppose if you call me an “authoress” in a really snotty, condescending manner – but you could accomplish the same effect using a gender-neutral term, so…If you for some reason hate women and condescend to the idea that women can write literature…You are very much in the wrong place. Stay, and seek enlightenment. Or, please find your own way out (Tip: type a different URL address above).
Other facets of my personage which may make appearances here: I am a Japanese-American, lesbian, yogini (Again with the gendered terms! Translation: I live yoga. [I meant to type “like” and typed “live” – I firmly believe those sorts of typos are revelatory. I do try to live my yoga, so let’s leave it at that.]), dog mama to a small speckled hound named Daphne and a tri-colored corgi named Dylan, indie publisher, feminist, former (and sometimes still) music industry, vegetarian, smart aleck, have Buddhist and Shinto and just plain pagan tendencies, and I used to be a confessional poet.
I don’t know why I stopped writing poetry. When trying to explain to a friend once how the poems had simply stopped coming as such, I trailed off and she very adeptly filled in, “because you’re done confessing.” I suppose I am, at least in that manner, and for now. But one simple element holds true, no matter what I’m writing: my work is emotionally honest. The rest may be fiction, but the emotions are real. Maybe that’s why I’m leaving some of my old poems up on this site. You might notice some themes they share, which has everything to do with the circumstances in which I wrote them – more on that later.
It also seems a good moment to note that you do not have to share any of those above personality facets with me to be here or read my work. I actually don’t know anyone else who shares all of those characteristics with me, and I know a great many people with whom I share none of them.
I was born in Rochester, NY and have lived in Avon, Ithaca, and Greece, NY; Charleston, IL; St. Paul, MN; Tempe, AZ; and now, finally, Nashville, TN. I moved to Nashville when I was seventeen to study music business in college, and I most definitely figured out I was gay while working backstage at a country music award show. The college I attended used to be most famous for its music and music business programs, now it’s most famous for firing its lesbian soccer coach (and that’s actually progress since I was there, because the students and faculty were able to stand up for the right thing). I changed my college major to English when I got what I wanted out of the music industry and it turned out that what I really wanted was to write. Unfortunately, realizing you’re a lesbian while interning and working in the Nashville music industry and then becoming a lesbian poet at a Southern Baptist school is a pretty lateral move. Two things I did not know when I began college: 1) that I’m gay, 2) that the student policy prohibited “homosexual behavior.”
So that’s what I mean by common themes in my poetry…I was coming out in a place where I couldn’t come out in my own writing or I’d be expelled. As terrible as that sounds, and as terrible as that was, now that I’m older, I’m gleeful about the fact that two of my poems appeared in the university’s literary journal – which was heavily censored, as the school considered the journal “promotional material.” “In Praise of Wolves” – totally about being in love with a woman, thank you very much. And totally used in promotional material for a school that wasn’t okay with their soccer coach coming out as a lesbian by having a baby with her partner. And now my publishing company shares a zipcode with Music Row (some of which is very liberal and loving, contrary to its public image) and said university (ditto). Because that is how YOU make it better. Just surviving goes a very long way, even though I can personally attest to what very little comfort being told that offers before you find your way to your own life.
Kate Bornstein said it best: “Do whatever it takes to make your life more worth living, just don’t be mean.”
Personally, I feel you should read my novel. Because that’s why I wrote it.
Love, peace, and soy nog (I’m rather addicted…),
Happy Halloween! So I thought that Samhain would be an excellent time to announce that Megume and the Trees will be released on November 22nd. But the trick’s on me – Amazon and Barnes & Noble are already selling it! Crazy, especially since I only approved the final proof on Spirit Day (October 20th) and the ARCs (you know, the advance copies) only arrived at 5:00 PM on Friday. What can I say? We live in an on-demand world. And, really, what better day for Megume to enter the world than All Hallow’s Eve? It’s all terribly apropos, so I shan’t argue with the universe.
You can now have your favorite local bookshop order you a copy! In need of a favorite local bookshop? IndieBound can help you out! And please, pretty please, ask your local and/or school library to order a copy?
The Kindle version came out long ago – on January 9th, when I celebrated by curling up beneath my little Christmas tree whilst snow glistened picturesquely outside. I believe I also made my favorite pumpkin spice soy pancakes and coffee…It might have been post-holidays, but I was still in winter wonderland. Similarly, I shall celebrate the paperback release today by enjoying the chill air and a fancy new Halloween playlist, courtesy of my friend, DJ Lo.
Why the long lapse between the Kindle and paperback versions? Well, Megume was originally supposed to come out last year, but releasing it in the midst of all of those suicides covered by the media last fall didn’t feel right. I wrote a novel about suicide because I had to, because I am all too familiar with that state of mind (sixteen years worth of familiar, in fact) – Megume and the Trees is the novel I had to write, the emotions I needed to put to the page before I could let any other story out of me. I’d already asked To Write Love On Her Arms, The Trevor Project, GLSEN, and the Japanese-American Citizens League if I could include their information in the back of the book. I didn’t know how much time should pass between the events of last fall and my novel release, and I spent all last autumn agonizing about what the right thing to do might be. All I learned from that agonizing is that no one can tell you what’s best; you just have to listen to your heart and your gut. So when the final proof showed up on my doorstep early in the morning on Spirit Day this year, that felt like a good sign to move forward, and to let Megume tell the story she and I have spent years forming for you. And that’s why I can’t argue with an earlier than expected book release on All Hallow’s Eve, either – the day spirits return to walk the earth truly is the day Megume would come back. I hope you hear what you need from her story.
Anndddd…If you haven’t seen it yet, me and Goodreads are giving away ten signed copies! You have until November 20th to enter to win!
So happy Samhain/Halloween/All Hallow’s Eve to you!
P.S. Did you know that it was traditionally turnips, not pumpkins, which were carved for Halloween lanterns? Now you know.